Learning to Wait

Wednesday morning I received an email from my adoption consultant of a situation to possibly present to a birth mom. The moment I received the email my heart skipped a beat and my emotions began running in every direction. I read through the email and the more I read the more compelled I felt to present to this situation, but I wasn’t ready. See, baby had been born a few days prior so presenting to this situation meant that if chosen I could be traveling now to meet birth mom and baby. Suddenly I found myself remembering all of the things that I haven’t done to prepare for this baby, thinking I had lots of time to do. Talk about sending your mind in to a tail spin and rocketing your emotions to the moon. All of this going on and I am setting in the parking garage at work, so then I had to pull myself together enough to go in to work.

There were a lot of pieces that had to fall together that Wednesday morning for me to even be able to present, but slowly piece by piece they fell together. As I prepared the email to send to the agency that the birth mom was working with, I found myself wondering if this was really the right choice. What would I do if she said yes? What would I do if she said no? Was I ready for that rejection or more over, was I ready for a yes? I don’t even have a car seat for baby, how am I even going to bring her home without a car seat. The nursery isn’t done. This beautiful vision of what her room will be is not complete, how can I even consider saying yes. God had a moment with me and opened my eyes that I will always have a reason to say no to presenting, but He was saying yes, present. Needless to say, I hit the send button and then the waiting began.

I thought for sure that the lesson in this situation was about being prepared and listening when God said yes. While those were lessons of this situation, the biggest lesson was Learning to Wait. Being my first time presenting to a situation, I had no idea what to expect. Yes, my wonderful consultant had told me that patience is needed when presenting because birth mom is making a very difficult decision and no one wants her to rush through that decision. I knew that and I appreciated that, but living in the wait, that’s hard. Silly me thought we would hear something Wednesday or Thursday, but both days passed with no word. Surely we would hear something on Friday, before the weekend. Wrong again, so the wait continued over the weekend.

I can honestly say that I have never spent so much time in prayer as I did this past weekend. Sleep abated me the majority of the weekend and I found myself awake talking with God most of the night. I truly thought that my prayers would be for me, as I waited and wanted to know, or for baby and her care, but I was so wrong there too. Every time I would pray, the prayers were almost always for birth mom. I kept thinking about her and how much her heart had to be hurting. Wondering who was there with her as she made this excruciating decision? How she could possibly decide based on the small amount of information provided? Time after time, I found my heart breaking for her and praying for her.

We have all waited in life and I know I have had my share of complaints about waiting so long for this or that. Waiting without complaint is difficult, but how could I possibly complain about this wait? How could I complain that birth mom was taking too long to decide the person or people that would parent her child forever? How could I complain about waiting, while another woman was struggling to make a choice that would forever impact her child? Simply put, I couldn’t complain. I instead would struggle with sleeping and keeping my focus as I continued through my days and nights like nothing out of the ordinary was going on. All the while wanting to shout from the roof tops that I was waiting on what could be the greatest decision of my entire life. But how could I shout that, knowing that the same decision was going to be one of the most difficult of another woman’s life.

As I waited, I also began to think about all the other families that were presenting to this situation and the wait they were enduring. I have no idea how many families presented or anything about any of them. I don’t know their stories or how long their journey has been. Saturday night I woke up flooded with thoughts of these families and found myself in prayer for them. Knowing that one of those families or I would be chosen, they needed prayer. Knowing that the ones that were not chosen, would need prayer just as much. Prayers for strength, understanding and courage flowed out for these families. All of them were going to need these things regardless of the decision made. The parents chosen would need this as they prepared for the moment they had dreamed of for so long. The parents not chosen would need to this to process all the emotions that come with presenting and then needing to move forward after a no.

I waited unknowingly until this afternoon, when the no finally came. I expected to be more upset at the fact that I was not chosen than I was. I am saddened that this moment is not mine to be a mom, but I still believe that God has a baby chosen for me and this was not that baby. I continue to pray for birth mom as she moves through the next few days and I pray for the family that was chosen. This is the child God had planned for them and they will need all the strength, understanding and courage they can get as they travel to meet their baby. I pray for the other families facing a no today, some I am certain this is not their first no, and some this may be their last no. I move forward continuing in the wait, only now I wait for God to give me another situation that He wants me to present to. The situation will come and that one may or may not be the baby God has planned for me. I am Learning to Wait and finding out a lot about myself in the process. As difficult as this is, I believe I am being made stronger through it, so for that I am grateful.

Say a prayer tonight for all the people Learning to Wait in adoption, including birth parents and families waiting to adopt. Waiting is an art that can never be perfected but contains so much insight in to the world. Learning to Wait and embracing the lessons in the wait is a priceless skill that can bring such hope to your life. Learn to Wait.