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Finding Christmas Spirit

I wrote this post a couple weeks ago and hesitated in posting it. I started this blog to share my journey with those that cared to read and I believe that means being transparent with the good and the bad. I have decided that to be true to what I started out to do, I needed to post this. I am in a better place with things now and I know that God has a plan for my child,  but sometimes the struggle is real. I’ve found myself struggling the last week or so and haven’t been able to put my finger on why. I keep telling myself that I need to figure out what is going on and get in a better head space. I’m in a funk and I hate being there so I am focusing on figuring out what is going on. The truth is I am completely scared that I may never be chosen to be a mom.                 I spent my entire life wanting to be a mom and it took me years to accept the fact that I would never know what it felt like to feel ...
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Learning to Wait

Wednesday morning I received an email from my adoption consultant of a situation to possibly present to a birth mom. The moment I received the email my heart skipped a beat and my emotions began running in every direction. I read through the email and the more I read the more compelled I felt to present to this situation, but I wasn’t ready. See, baby had been born a few days prior so presenting to this situation meant that if chosen I could be traveling now to meet birth mom and baby. Suddenly I found myself remembering all of the things that I haven’t done to prepare for this baby, thinking I had lots of time to do. Talk about sending your mind in to a tail spin and rocketing your emotions to the moon. All of this going on and I am setting in the parking garage at work, so then I had to pull myself together enough to go in to work. There were a lot of pieces that had to fall together that Wednesday morning for me to even be able to present, but slowly piece by piece they fell toge...
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Becoming Completely Broken

             When I started this adoption journey I was confident that this was what God had planned for me and knew it was time to follow the desire of my heart to be a mom. I spent a lot of time with God over the years coming to terms with what being a mom would look like for me. I struggled with infertility and had to come to accept the fact that I would never carry a baby in my belly. This process took a long time and it took become completely broken for me to truly accept this fact. The journey was so difficult and filled with so many tears, that it would be difficult to try to explain exactly how it felt. Although it was difficult, when I reached a point of complete brokenness is when the light began to shine. Through my brokenness I have been able to reach acceptance that being a mom will look different for me.                 After accepting my infertility, I had dete...
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The Beginning

              A few months ago I made one of the most life changing decisions I believe I will ever make. I began the process of adopting a baby. My heart has longed for so many years to be a mother, but my body just is not capable of making me a mom. The journey to accepting that fact was long and difficult, but I finally reached a point several years ago that I was at peace with this fact. Adoption has been on my heart since I was a child and I have always had the desire to grow my family through adoption. It took me a lot of years to get to a point that I felt “ready” to begin the process to becoming a mom through adoption.                 I use the term “ready” very loosely, because I am not certain that anyone can ever truly be ready for what adoption will change in you. I knew I was ready in January to begin this journey, but it took me until July to even attend a gener...
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