Finding Christmas Spirit

I wrote this post a couple weeks ago and hesitated in posting it. I started this blog to share my journey with those that cared to read and I believe that means being transparent with the good and the bad. I have decided that to be true to what I started out to do, I needed to post this. I am in a better place with things now and I know that God has a plan for my child,  but sometimes the struggle is real.

I’ve found myself struggling the last week or so and haven’t been able to put my finger on why. I keep telling myself that I need to figure out what is going on and get in a better head space. I’m in a funk and I hate being there so I am focusing on figuring out what is going on. The truth is I am completely scared that I may never be chosen to be a mom.

                I spent my entire life wanting to be a mom and it took me years to accept the fact that I would never know what it felt like to feel a child inside of me. I came to a place of acceptance and resolve with my infertility and had honestly reached a comfort of thinking I would never be a mom to a child that I didn’t have to send back to their home country at the end of the school year. The journey to that place of acceptance was such a struggle that it is what held me back from considering adoption sooner. Opening your heart up to the possibility of hurt and rejection is not an easy thing to do.

                Right now I find myself in a place of fear of what this journey is going to have me face. I know that there are no certainties in adoption and that it is likely I will face many hurdles. I know that my heart may be completely broken in this process and that the idea of a failed adoption could be part of my story. Knowing all of this I chose to take this journey and I have no plans of turning back, but I am scared.

                As we move through the Christmas season, I have really struggled to get in to the Christmas spirit. Every time I do something related to the season, I cannot help but think that this could be the last time that I do this without my child. Decorating the Christmas tree could happen with a baby on hip next year. Baking and decorating Christmas cookies with our tribe, could include me and my little one with frosting everywhere because I had to let her try it out. Opening gifts on Christmas morning could include watching my baby celebrate her first Christmas. Then in a flash, I think to myself, but what if it isn’t that way. What if next year I am still in my season of waiting and what if I am still waiting two Christmases from now. That’s when I struggle.

                I struggle to put a smile on my face and enjoy this moment, even though I know this moment right here right now is just as precious as the moment that will one day be with my child. I cannot live in a frame of mind that I am only looking forward to what will be, instead of enjoying this moment. I will miss so much if I live in the anticipation of what’s next. I will deprive myself of the joy that all of those people I call family have to offer me right now, but I just can’t seem to get there. I want so badly to hold my baby in my arms that my heart hurts without her here.