Becoming Completely Broken

             When I started this adoption journey I was confident that this was what God had planned for me and knew it was time to follow the desire of my heart to be a mom. I spent a lot of time with God over the years coming to terms with what being a mom would look like for me. I struggled with infertility and had to come to accept the fact that I would never carry a baby in my belly. This process took a long time and it took become completely broken for me to truly accept this fact. The journey was so difficult and filled with so many tears, that it would be difficult to try to explain exactly how it felt. Although it was difficult, when I reached a point of complete brokenness is when the light began to shine. Through my brokenness I have been able to reach acceptance that being a mom will look different for me.

                After accepting my infertility, I had determined, through my own reasoning, that I would not ever be a mom. I dove in to being the best aunt ever and spent tons of time with all the kids in my life. I loved on them and spoiled them whenever possible and I found happiness in those moments. I truly felt as if this was my calling in life, to be a great aunt or friend to the children in my life. In the back of my head however, God was still there reminding me that my journey to motherhood was not closed. I ignored this for quite a while, as I thought it was my own desire to be a mom that was speaking.

                As I approached my 40^th birthday a sadness came over me, that at first I didn’t understand. I have never been a person that has a problem with getting older. Age is just a number and I believe that your true age is in your heart and how you act. Some people have old souls at a very young age, while others remain young even in their elder years. I started spending some serious time with God and He began to reveal to me what was really going on. I had always had in my mind that I would need to be a mom by the time I was 40 or it just wasn’t going to happen. Wow… suddenly I was back dealing with my infertility issues that I thought I had come to terms with. God had another message for me though. He reminded me of the heart for adoption He placed on my heart at a very young age. Over the next several months I spent a lot of time arguing with God about what He was directing me to do. Every time I presented an argument, He presented a solution. I finally found myself becoming completely broken again, only this time I was accepting the fact that God wanted me to be a mom and He had a plan to make that happen.

                Attending my first adoption information meeting was a challenge. Being a single person, walking in to a place filled with couples, all wanting the same thing, is difficult. I set in that meeting thinking how crazy I was to think that anyone would choose me to parent a child over a couple, a mom and a dad. I listened as the counselors spoke about the different types of adoption and how the process worked in each type. I got in my car that night completely overwhelmed and ready to just give up, but God was there with me and reminded me that I needed to trust Him. I spent the next couple of days freaking out and praying, but finally made the decision to start the process.

                I truly thought that becoming completely broken over my infertility and then becoming completely broken over adoption, that I was done being broken for a while. I was focused on building from that brokenness to find out what God had in store. Then out of nowhere, I found myself becoming completely broken again. It was a simple song on the radio on my ride to work yesterday morning that brought me to tears. I set in my car listening to The Dance by Garth Brooks and tears just began to flow. I was becoming broken for my baby’s birth parents. I set there and listened to a song I have heard a thousand times and suddenly it had an entirely new meaning. The song speaks to losing someone and how perhaps he could have chosen a different path and avoided the pain of loss. Suddenly, I began to understand exactly what kind of choice my baby’s birth parents are making by choosing to make an adoption plan for their child. I cried and my heart broke so badly for them and for my child. Loss is real in adoption, for everyone involved.

                I do not know what birth family will choose me to parent their child, but I do know that I am already praying for them and they will always be in my heart. 

https://www.youcaring.com/jenniferenglehart-1026410