The Beginning

              A few months ago I made one of the most life changing decisions I believe I will ever make. I began the process of adopting a baby. My heart has longed for so many years to be a mother, but my body just is not capable of making me a mom. The journey to accepting that fact was long and difficult, but I finally reached a point several years ago that I was at peace with this fact. Adoption has been on my heart since I was a child and I have always had the desire to grow my family through adoption. It took me a lot of years to get to a point that I felt “ready” to begin the process to becoming a mom through adoption.

                I use the term “ready” very loosely, because I am not certain that anyone can ever truly be ready for what adoption will change in you. I knew I was ready in January to begin this journey, but it took me until July to even attend a general information meeting about adoption. Then it took me another month before I would pull the trigger and send in my application. As I pressed “Send” on the email to apply, this sudden overwhelming indescribable feeling came over me. I was excited, scared and so many other things, all at the same time. Little did I know that was just the beginning of the emotional roller coaster known as adoption.

                The first step in adopting is to complete a Home Study. They really should consider renaming this report, as it is truly less about studying your Home and more about studying YOU! I have never seen so much paperwork, had so many questions asked, read so many books, watched so many videos and talked/written so much about myself. The entire process is quite invasive and overwhelming, however I was so fortunate to have an amazing social worker guiding me and teaching me. If it were not for her amazing spirit, I am certain I would have gone completely insane.

                Having someone diving in to who you are, where you came from and where you are headed leads to a lot of soul searching. This is where that emotional roller coaster got even more exciting. When you spend hours talking about yourself and days writing about yourself (I had to write an autobiography) you begin to realize just how interesting your life has been and that you may not be where you thought you would be. I have no regrets in my life, because I believe that every part of my life has lead me to where I am. I love that I am in a place that I am confident enough and stable enough to pursue my lifelong dream of adopting, so I would not change a thing. The emotions starting rolling though when your past is suddenly at the forefront of your mind.

                I am grateful for the Home Study process though. I learned a lot about myself and about how I truly felt about adopting. I didn’t start my journey thinking that I would adopt a baby because I thought I was too old for that. Through the process I realized that my heart still really wanted a baby. I spent a lot of time in prayer checking in with God to see I was following my own desires or if this was part of His plans. God has confirmed that pursuing infant adoption is what He had planned for me, so I made a change to adopt a baby. This was another roller coaster ride of emotions as I gave up the picture I had in my mind about my adoption and replaced it with this new picture.

                I have learned already that adoption is not for the faint of heart. You truly have to have a calling to adopt to endure all that you will go through to become a parent through adoption. I have gained an admiration for all those that have journeyed this road, some multiple times. I have gained even more admiration for birth parents that choose to make an adoption plan for their baby. I am overwhelmed by the fact that someone making such an excruciatingly difficult decision will result in my becoming a mom. How selfless and loving of a decision that is and I will forever be grateful for their bravery.

                Today I successfully completed my first big milestone in this process. I am officially Home Study ready. This is the day that my control in this process ceases to exist, as from this point forward it is really in the hands of the birth parents. Yes, I still have a lot to do, applications to fill out, fundraising to do, profiles to complete, but ultimately the control is out of my hands now. The control has really always been in God’s hands, I know, but now I truly have no choice but to surrender this to Him. I cannot wait to see where God will lead me on this journey.